I’ve never been any good when it comes to playing music. I was totally rubbish at school and to be honest, I was more interested in being out on the running track or football pitch.

However lately, now fifty years down the line, with my athletics and football days way behind me, I’ve been wishing I’d shown more application in class. Had I done so, I could have been out several nights of the week, performing in front of screaming and adoring fans, instead of hobbling around the house with dodgy knees and tennis elbow.

Still, you’re never too late to learn, right? And when I recently retired, my wife bought me a guitar and amp. I love ’em!

My wife doesn’t. She very quickly regretted her generosity. Her wee face drops every time she sees me about to ‘plug in.’

“Make it stop! Make. It. Stop!“

You see, practice makes perfect. (There’s plenty of the former … not so much any of the latter.) The trouble, or part of it, is I’m following the online lessons provided by Fender that came as part of the whole guitar package. And I’m kinda stuck at a very slowed down version of the Taylor Swift song, ‘Welcome To New York.’

It’s not my kind of music, let’s be honest. I’d never even heard of it before, never mind actually heard it played. And it involves a chord change, I think it’s called. From G to D, possibly – like one finger on one string, to three fingers on three different strings over two different frets.

It’s like the musical equivalent of patting your head with one hand whilst rubbing your tummy with the other.

And who the heck decided what each guitar string would be known as? E, A, D, G, B, E. Aye – very good!

Apart from the ‘A’ string, all the others sound the same by name. Sheesh – two of them even have the same name. My hearing’s not the best, I know – attending too many gigs in the past, maybe? But even allowing for that, when trying to follow an online teacher telling me change from a D to a G chord, it would be easy for anyone to think the instruction was to go from B to (one of the) Es.

Oh, it’s all so terribly confusing. 😀

What was wrong with just numbering the strings from 1 to 6, top to bottom?

I’ve always known the Rory Gallaghers and Roy Buchanans of this world were incredibly talented. It was easy to tell they were better than anyone playing down at your local pub on a Saturday night. But now I myself have embarked on that long road to rock stardom, I appreciate even more how they consistently manage to manipulate their fingers over the strings and around the frets so quickly. And yet they still reproduce a recognizable tune every time.

I mean, check these guys out!

Hey ho! Maybe the younger me got it right after all – you don’t need pointers to indicate in what direction you should be running round an athletics track.

“What’s that, dear? No. No, don’t cry. I’m sorry. Here – have a tissue.”