Just about every large vehicle on the road in India, certainly Goa, displays a sign such as this on or around the rear bumper: buses; lorries; trucks; construction / mining dumpsters – they all make the same request.

I don’t know why. Indian drivers need no encouragement to sound their horn. Even the streets of supposedly serene little country villages will succumb to a cacophony of honks, toots and parps.  Initially the sound will be soothing and welcoming, coming from the vast variety of avian residents in the surrounding trees and buildings.

It will not have a calming effect for long though, as it will soon be usurped as a nation of wannabe Mad Max film extras take to the  roads.

The noise is initially brash and disruptive but soon becomes commonplace and accepted. By midday I doubt very much if  it still registers with anyone at all.

It will be noticeable only by its absence, perhaps in the very early hours of the following morning.

This is my twelfth visit to Goa. I have driven cars in Spain, France and the USA, but don’t mind admitting I’m not brave  enough to attempt the same here.

However, for the adventurous reader who enjoys a challenge and may decide to hire a scooter when visiting this wonderful place, here’s my guide to the Honking Highway Code of Goa:

TWO HONKS: your taxi’s arrived.

TWO HONKS: a cheery greeting to a friend perhaps waiting at the bus stop or walking down the street as you pass.

TWO HONKS: a fond ‘goodbye’ to a friend whose company you are leaving.

TWO HONKS: to the dog sleeping in the middle of the road – you’re not a cow. You have me devine right to be there. Just saying …

TWO HONKS: to the obstinate cow with the devine right to be wherever it damn well chooses and opts for remaining in your direct line of travel …. please move. I’ll say an extra prayer – honest.

TWO HONKS: to a scooter, car, truck or bus you are tailgating, just to let them know you are six inches away.

TWO HONKS: to the same scooter, car, truck or bus to let them know you are going to pass.

TWO HONKS: to the same scooter, car, truck or bus by way of thanks if they slowed down / moved over to ease your passing manoeuvre.

TWO HONKS: to warn the scooter, car truck, bus  that you are fed up with them  hogging the outside lane and are now about to attempt an ‘underpass. ‘

TWO HONKS: to the scooter, car truck or bus that has the audacity to try and  underpass you.

TWO HONKS: to the scooters, cars buses or trucks on the other side of the road to warn them you are about to encroach on their space while passing the vehicle in front.

TWO HONKS: to the mentalist scooter, car, bus or truck hurtling towards you with space and time rapidly running out for it to complete it’s overtaking manoeuvre before causing you a lot of personal grief.

TWO HONKS: just for the sheer hell of it! Who actually needs a reason?!

And there you have it – my guide to help understanding the protocols for happy motoring.

I have to say, it’s not my idea of fun. I’ll settle for riding in a taxi, closing my eyes, adopting the brace position and becoming religious for the day.

As we would say in Glasgow, Scotland:

Driving the roads of Goa can be ‘pure honking‘ for us Westerners!